To The Working Moms
Dear Working Moms,
Yesterday, I felt like I really had life figured out. As I kissed my happy playing baby and headed out the door to meet a friend for coffee so we could discuss an exciting project we have been working on, grocery list in hand to shop on the way home, I was high on how “together” I felt. I texted my best friend that 2017 will be the year of We’ve Got This Shit.
Tonight, I don’t got this shit. Tonight, my baby walked across the room for the first time to her daddy while I sat in a hotel room answering emails hours away. Tonight, I cried because this isn’t the first time I’ve missed a “first” and it won’t be the last. It is just one more thing on a list that began when she rolled over for the first time while I was sitting in a board meeting.
Sweet mamas, know when I say to you that I understand the challenge of work-life balance, that I mean it. I understand it in a way that brings me to tears. We are doing an awful hard thing here. But here is what else I know: we have to do it.
Regardless of your reason, if you are a mom and working, it is because you have to. It could be that you have to for money, or you have to for your sanity, or you have to because your soul has found its calling and that’s something we can’t ever ignore. I am sure of this because no one chooses this ache unless they have to even if you know it pays the bills or fulfills you or is what you feel called to do and you know in your soul it is right. Because even in the midst of all that it can break your heart. But, we have to do it. For ourselves and for our sweet babies relying on us and watching us.
In the midst of my little meltdown I texted my colleague who I very much admire as a professional and a mom. She had invaluable advice: reset expectations.
Rather than focus on being there for firsts and those moments being special, she suggested I make the moments when she does something first with me special. I missed her first steps, but when I get home she will take her first steps towards me. That first is all my own to share with her and it’s equally special. That simple idea settled my heart and I hope it will yours too, when you are having a moment of totally-not-having-your-shit-together.
I am still new at figuring out this working mom thing, but what I have realized is that we have to stick together and support each other. When I’m hurting and struggling with this balance that I have chosen for my life it is the other working moms who give me the words I need to keep moving forward. The times another working mom- or dad, because let’s not forget they miss things too- has reached out with advice or encouragement has been invaluable to me. Can we collectively raise our cups of coffee (or straight espresso or wine, if it’s that kind of day) and promise to stick together through this? To celebrate the moments when we really have it all together and support each other when we really don’t? That is my promise to you. I’m here for you and we can do this.
Love,
Another Working Mom
P.S. Maybe instead of 2017 being the year of We’ve Got This Shit, it can be the year of We Are Doing The Best We Can And That Is Enough And We Are Still Good Moms And A Work Life Balance Has To Be Possible Let’s Just Keep Working On It. (Or maybe we let someone who gets more sleep be in charge of titling.)
Do it all with love.
Judy Hooker
February 15, 2017I was a stay ay home Mom (1959 to 1987). I totally encouraged my daughter to work. I kept both children for a time to help her. It was so hard. They called my husband and I Mom and Dad at one point. You women MUST continue to work. Your child will need that example of being self-supporting.
Wendy England
February 15, 2017There is no answer here or right or wrong. Many years ago I heard Oprah talk about follow “you whisper”. Oprah was talking about that feeling you have deep inside that tells you what to do, the feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the night, Oprah says if you “listen to your whisper”, you will make the right decisions that are best for YOU. Since I learned about the importance of the “whisper” I have guided my life listening to it. Listening to my gut! There is no answer to the question should one work or stay at home if there are significant financial issues involved and cannot feed babies. But if you do have a choice, search for your “whisper”. I am 55 and feel like I have wealth of knowledge on whether to work or stay home. It is an individual decision, and not one a co worker who has inspiring thoughts can help you decide. Feels very good to have that validation, but it is coming from outside, not inside. I am an attorney, married someone who at the time was a physician-in-training. I practiced law in a kick ass firm for 5 years before we had W. Then I went to 3 full time days with a Nanny, about killed me, but I did it to support us as my husband still a resident. I had to work to pay the rent. Then number 2 came, C. Still worked 3 days part time, and when they were 2 and 4 started slowing down because we had these most amazing little people in our world that I just wanted to spend every minute I could with. And this time coincided with my husband getting his first job, so pressure was off me to support us. We still lived pay check to pay check and could have been different if I was employed full time, but I wasn’t! I would not trade my choice to become a stay at home Mom for anything! Priceless! Suddenly was taking them to pre-school, picking them up and spending my days with these beautiful children, couldn’t ask for more! Went back to work on and off, easier once they were in school full time, but one evening at the ball field, as I am trying to watch W’s practice, I also had a law book in my lap getting ready for a hearing the next day. I realized i wasn’t watching practice or paying attention to my children. I was done! Through the years I was home room Mom in many classrooms, involved in school activities, present, and had dinner every night and had time to “listen to them”. Everyone has to choose what is right for them. There is some triangle theory, one end is work, another is one’s marriage, third is children. They say you can’t be great on all 3 apex’s. I believe that. I chose marriage and children. I do not believe in the Super Mom theory, children or marriage always seems to suffer. But as I said when I started, this is an individual choice, none of us are the same. I have lived through shaming Mom’s that go to work and shaming those that stay at home. And many think girls “need to see their Mom work”, I call BS. My daughter and son know how smart I am and have seen me in action and they know I chose to stop to be with them. There is no right answer for all of us, it is up to us listen to our “whisper” and do what’s right for our own person and family.