Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
Remember how in this post I talked about my obsession with lists during the end of my pregnancy? One such list was of topics you should discuss with your spouse before choosing to have kids. On that list was, “How will you talk to your kid about sex?”
Ellie Jo is never going to wonder about the logistics of sex. Not only is she growing up on a farm but her adopted-uncle runs the breeding operation on a local horse farm. (Appropriately, we found out Ellie Jo was a girl from an ultrasound we did in the breeding barn!) She is going to know all about penises and vaginas and semen- and when the chicks hatch on the farm every spring, she will know there had to be a rooster involved. We will never have to have a singular “birds and the bees” talk to explain how babies are made.
But, there is so much more to sex and sexuality- so much more- than understanding that a penis goes in a vagina and sperm hooks up with an egg to make a baby. Preparing her to have a healthy sexual identity will take continuous conversations involving both Derek and I.
It will begin as soon as she is able to say, “No.” We will never make her engage in physical contact when she doesn’t want to. If she doesn’t want to hug us, or a grandparent, or a friend- we will never make her. I want her to feel comfortable and supported in her decision to say “no” because that confidence will carry over from when she is three years old to when she is sixteen years old and “no” matters a whole lot more.
We will teach her that her body is perfect and beautiful and is a gift that should be cherished and loved. We will encourage her to run and hike and swim and work so she knows how good aching muscles can feel. We will teach her to appreciate that her muscles are strong enough to run across hay fields and climb trees and hammer nails into fence boards. She will grow up eating food we grow in our garden and cook with love, taught that carrots are good for her eyes and chocolate cake is good for her soul. I will never say anything bad about my body or clothes, or criticize another woman for her body or clothes, because I know Ellie Jo will be listening. I will love my body because it made her body and her body is so incredibly perfect. I want her to be so sure of that perfection that should anyone tell her otherwise she won’t believe them, not even for a second.
We will never tell her to wait for marriage to have sex only because we will never assume to know when the best time for her to choose to have sex might be.
We will tell her, “Sweet girl, you are perfect. Your body is perfect. Your heart is perfect. Find someone who appreciates all of your perfection. You are beautiful and smart. Find someone who appreciates your mind just as much as they appreciate your body. Sex is a big deal, not because it’s bad or because it’s something to be ashamed of, but because it will change your relationship. Actions speak louder than words baby girl, so don’t wait for someone who says they love you and says you can trust them and says they respect you- wait for someone who shows you they love you and respect you, someone who has proven you can trust them. Wait for someone who you love and respect. Your dad is never going to threaten your boyfriends (or girlfriends, should that be your preference) because he does not control your body any more than they do. (You are the only one in control of your body, please, please, please remember that!) He will only want to meet them, just like I will, because we both love you more than the world and if you love someone we will want to know them. So darling, I hope you bring people you love home not just for us to meet but for us to know, for us to love too. I hope you tell me when you have your first kiss and I hope you tell me the first time you have sex and I hope both are with someone who loves you for all the simple beautiful reasons that really matter. If you don’t feel like you can talk to me, I hope you talk to any one of the wonderful adopted aunts in your life who love you. Ellie Jo, we trust you. We know you are smart and strong and confident, so don’t ever let anyone pressure you into doing anything when you don’t want to. Heed our words about waiting for the right person and the right time and the wait will be worth it and you will be just fine.”
We will make sure she knows about safe sex. How to have it and why it matters so much. We will answer all her questions the best we can and if she ever asks us something we don’t know, we will figure out the answer together.
Most importantly though, more important than anything we might ever tell her, is what we will show her. Derek and I will always strive to model a healthy relationship. We will respect each other. We will hold hands in front of her and kiss each other every morning before we leave the house. She will probably sigh and roll her eyes, but she will also know what a loving relationship looks like. She will know what to expect from a partner and when she finds real love she will recognize it.
We accept the love we think we deserve and our baby girl deserves to be absolutely adored. We might not have any real idea what we are doing as parents, but we are determined to try our best to get this part right.
Do it all with love.
