Dear New Mama
I have to tell you something that might shock you to hear someone acknowledge:
I don’t always love being a mom and chances are you won’t either.
The love I have for my daughter exceeds anything I could have ever imagined. For years I ached for a child. My husband and I planned and tried and prayed and we were blessed with a healthy, smart, perfect little girl. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to be her mother and raising her is the greatest privilege the universe has ever bestowed upon me. That overwhelming love is what we most often talk about because it is big and amazing and incredible and these are the things that inspire us. A mothers love is what great stories are made of, filled with strength and self-sacrifice and perseverance. We are drawn to talk about what astounds us.
But, here is the thing, sweet sleep deprived new mama, the thing we don’t spend so much time talking about- your life will never be what it was before. “Normal” is something ever changing and certainly nothing you recognize. It’s a beautiful life, this new one you are sharing with a tiny irrational human who has your eyes or nose or chin. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t miss the life you had before you brought a baby into this world. You can, I promise you can. You can have moments when you don’t really love your new normal or your new role. That is ok. You are still a good mom.
You can be scrubbing sweet potatoes off a high chair at 10pm after putting a fussy baby to bed at the end of a long day and wish you had been able to come home and drink a glass of wine in a bubble bath. Even if in reality we both know you would have come home and had a glass of wine while watching four hours of Gilmore Girls in a pair of yoga pants, the point is that it would have been nicer than fighting with dried sweet potato. That is ok. You are still a good mom.
You can be washing bottles while trying to have a conversation with your significant other over the sound of yet another battery operated plastic toy with a song sure to get stuck in your head for the next three days and wish the two of you could cuddle on the couch with a pizza and talk about something- anything- besides how much the baby ate today or what her poop looked like. That is ok. You are still a good mom.
The mom-guilt -struggle is real so when you have those moments it’s tough not to immediately be overwhelmed by guilt that you are not enjoying rocking a teething infant while so many women who desperately want children would do anything for the same privilege. Here is the thing about privilege; you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Your heart can, and should, ache for all the women waiting to welcome their own little ones into the world. When that guilt hits you send up a prayer for the moms-to-be, but know it is ok for you to not love being a mom during the teething phase. (Especially during the teething phase!) Really. That is ok. You are still a good mom.
Back in April when this open letter went viral hundreds of moms from all over the world reached out to me to say how much they related to it. How much my story sounded like their story and how they felt the same frustration and failure and sadness but never felt like they could admit it. I am so fortunate to have begun my journey into motherhood surrounded by wonderful women who have been brutally honest with me about every aspect of being a mom and I want to be that honest with you. So know you are not alone in any of the feelings you have on your journey. If you don’t always love being a mom, that is ok. You are still a great mom.
Do it all with love.
P.S. Dear Readers: Some posts write themselves and this was one of them. I didn’t intend to do another parent themed open letter it’s just how the words found their way. Admittedly, open letters are a pretty corny way of writing to a broad audience but I’ve always loved letters because they feel so intimate and this was an intimate topic. Keep suffering through the corniness, ya’ll.
