So You’re About To Have A Baby
Four months ago when I was the size of a manatee and nearing the end of my third trimester I spent an unreasonable amount of time looking up lists related to childbirth. My midwife had suggested we at least think about a birth plan even if we didn’t commit one to paper and this manifested itself in an obsession with lists. Lists of what to bring, lists of what decisions we would have to make, lists of questions to ask our doctor.
This is my list of the top 10 things I would tell a woman who is preparing for birth.
(My disclaimer: this is most relevant to women who are going to have a vaginal birth in a hospital because that’s how I gave birth, so obviously that’s the sort of birth I’m now a pseudo-expert in.)
1. If you’re being induced, bring snacks. You probably won’t be allowed to eat them so also bring a spouse/mother/sister/best friend/life partner who is willing and prepared to sneak them to you. If they’re not willing, remind them that you’re about to squeeze a human being out of your vagina. The least they can do is smuggle you cheezits.
EDIT: Two of my dear friends who are L&D nurses have reached out to me about this one because rules exist for a reason and not eating is actually important if you end up needing an emergency C-section. Both of them are incredibly kind and gracious women so they were much too polite to tell me I’m wildly unqualified to be giving bad advice to strangers on the internet, but so it’s on record- I am in no way a medical professional. Eat the cheezits at your own risk.
2. If you think you want an epidural but feel guilty about not doing it totally “naturally” let go of that guilt, mama. EMBRACE THE EPIDURAL. (Refer to above about squeezing a human being out of your vagina.)
3. On that note, befriend your anesthesiologist right from the get go. Find something you have in common to bond over. Maybe bring them cookies. It can’t hurt.
4. Speaking of befriending people, make an effort to know your nurses. They are your caregiver and your advocate, a tough job requiring long hours.They also are the gatekeepers to the popsicles and gatorade. Know them and appreciate them.
5. You will not need half the crap you bring with you so if you are stressed about how much you have in your hospital bag, ditch some of it and don’t stress. The baby is coming no matter how much or how little you drag into the delivery room with you. But, if it makes you feel better to bring twinkling lights and a yoga ball and a meditation music playlist carefully curated specifically for this joyous event, you haul it all along with you and don’t ever apologize for it!
6. Have someone take a video right after the baby is born. Thankfully, my best friend pulled out her phone so we have a grainy video of Ellie Jo on my chest and Derek cutting the cord right after she graced us with her presence. I can’t ever share it with anyone because I’m buck-ass naked in it but I absolutely treasure it.
7. Make sure the “going home outfit” you bring is newborn size. Not just labeled newborn size, actual newborn size. My baby came home in a hospital onesie because the adorable outfit I bought just for the occasion was made for Baby Huey. 
8. Bring your own pillow. Hospital pillows pretty much suck.
9. If you are planning on breastfeeding, bring lanolin cream and use it. It’s Chapstick for your nipples which you will appreciate more than I can even put into words. Go ahead and buy the biggest tube of it you can find.
10. The hospital will have giant oversized sanitary pads that are also ice packs. You’re going to love them because it will seem like your uterus is trying to expel itself violently from your body while simultaneously feeling like your entire crotch might just fall off. Smuggle as many of these home with you as you can. (I wouldn’t judge you for bringing an empty duffel bag with you to the hospital for the sole purpose of filling it with them.)
Most importantly, trust yourself. Have whomever you want in the room with you and no one you don’t. Don’t be afraid to speak up and express your needs. Own your birth experience regardless of what that looks like. If it’s a schedule c-section and then formula feeding, embrace it. If it’s a vaginal birth with no drugs and breast feeding immediately, rock it mama.
You’ve got this!
Do it all with love.
